'My parents won't lend me £10k but helped my brother': When families play financial favourites
So-called financial favouritism can cause jealousy and resentment long into adulthood. Here is how experts say you can avoid it
**"My Parents Refused Me a £10k Loan But Helped My Brother": Navigating Financial Favoritism in Families**
A recent US study indicates that approximately 15% of siblings experience monetary disputes, highlighting a common source of familial tension: financial favoritism. When parents provide differential financial support, gifts, or assistance to their children, it can sow seeds of jealousy and resentment that persist into adulthood, occasionally escalating to legal battles after a parent's passing. However, experts suggest that proactive strategies can help mitigate these issues.
John, whose name has been altered for privacy, recounts a recent instance where his parents, consistent supporters of his younger brother, declined his request for a £10,000 loan for a house deposit following his breakup. Despite the sum being "well within their financial grasp," John, 47, notes that his parents had previously provided his 42-year-old brother with a home deposit and subsidized his living expenses. John believes this disparity stems from his upbringing, where he was perceived as the academically inclined child expected to achieve financial independence, while his brother, who struggled more, was "coddled." This perceived favoritism has led John to feel that "the needs of others take precedence over my own," resulting in feelings of isolation and impacting his friendships and romantic relationships.
Disagreements over money often have roots in childhood and can manifest as adult children comparing the financial support they've received. Dr. Fenia Christodoulidi of Relate, a counseling service, emphasizes that these disputes are rarely solely about the money itself. "Financial support from parents often carries a powerful emotional meaning and some siblings tend to interpret differences in support as signs of favouritism, unequal love or a lack of recognition," she explains. Dr. Christodoulidi adds that even when parents have valid "practical reasons" for treating children differently, a lack of clear communication can foster "misunderstanding and resentment." Such reasons might include a child earning significantly less, managing an illness, or facing higher housing costs.
Ellis, 26, a finance professional in London, shared with the BBC that her family has experienced "different levels of support at different times" without issue. Conversely, her colleague Tasha, 33, the youngest of seven, observes that her siblings have had conflicts over perceived favoritism, even though Tasha believes her parents treat them all equally. "I just think people sometimes get a bit uncertain or jealous and that's quite normal," Tasha says, noting that while siblings might temporarily cease communication, they often "come back together and they just hash it out."
Dr. Christodoulidi suggests that "open conversations about expectations and the reasons behind decisions" can help alleviate financial resentment. However, this isn't always feasible. John laments that "talking about money is verboten in my family," and his attempts to discuss his feelings are met with evasiveness, leading him to abandon such efforts. Consequently, John is now planning his financial future without anticipating any inheritance, though he expects to be called upon if his parents become ill or incapacitated. Despite this, he maintains a "great relationship with his brother" but harbors resentment towards his parents for creating the "imbalance."
Claire Webb, a solicitor and mediator at Family Solutions Now, frequently assists siblings in resolving inheritance and other financial disputes. She notes that a common scenario involves one sibling arguing they received less financial assistance earlier in life, such as for a house, with the understanding that this would be balanced in the will. When the will then dictates an equal distribution, "all of that historic feeling of unfairness [is] being dredged up." To prevent such conflicts, Webb advises parents to clearly communicate their intentions to their children while they are still alive. For siblings already in dispute, mediation is recommended before resorting to legal action. This process involves a trained professional guiding them toward a resolution. Encouragingly, siblings who pursue legal avenues often reach an amicable solution, as "most of the time there is a deep-down family bond," and addressing the root cause can help them find a way forward.