"I wasted 11 years choosing someone who should have gone to someone else" — Kunduzkhon Abdullayeva on her unusual marriage

“I lost 11 years of my life choosing someone else” — Kunduzkhon Abdullayeva about her unusual marriage

Kunduzkhon Abdullayeva, a TV and radio presenter and currently a food blogger on Instagram, gave an interview to the YouTube channel of the publication “Darakchi”. During the interview, she spoke about the fact that her 11-year marriage ended in divorce due to childlessness, the importance of love in the family, and the power of intention.

**“I chose someone else”**

— Most Uzbek women and girls have grown up hearing the words “chida, be patient” since childhood. But this has its own positive and negative sides. A person is given only one life. Later, in many cases, we blame our parents, but they are also living for the first time in life. Moreover, the word “human” itself means “one who makes mistakes.” That's why we make mistakes: some learn from these mistakes, and some break.

In fact, choosing a person who was destined for another person took 11 years of my life. After our paths diverged, I worked on myself and realized that we had to go through this path together. Just like in fairy tales, in order to win, these events had to happen in my life. That is, in order to achieve something, you need to go through certain stages of life. What breaks someone makes someone stronger. These thoughts made me draw conclusions about my life.

**“If I could go back in time, I would not have chosen my ex-spouse”**

— If I had known that my life would turn out like this, if I could go back in time, I would not have chosen my ex-spouse, maybe. True, we did not live badly with him. But after you start a family, there is a beautiful blessing like leaving behind offspring, continuing your lineage. This is what we were not destined to do - we waited for 11 years for this. Families without children will understand my situation more.

Our past years were years of waiting. This period was spent in efforts to realize goals and intentions, but there was no result. Some people achieve their goals in a day, in a minute. But for me, this process took 11 years, and we still could not have children. The conclusion that was drawn after considering everything was that we were divorced. It was not an easy decision to make.

**“I never told anyone that my marriage was not the same”**

— It has been three years since we divorced. At first, I never told anyone that my marriage was not the same. Only my close friends knew. I didn’t even tell my colleagues about it.

I married my classmate, Ozod Ravshan, with whom I studied for four years and worked in the same place for two years. In fact, he was my friend. I made a decision not out of love, but out of a mental one, and got married at the age of 25. The reason is that I started a family with a person who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and has known me for six years. We never had a love-hate relationship, we were always friends. That's why I recommend that girls who are not yet married never marry their friends. Because even after you start a family, there is no love, only friendship.

It is important to have love in a family. Because where there is love, you don't see the shortcomings of that person. And where there is no love, sometimes even his achievements seem like flaws. In order to understand each other and get used to the negative character of your partner, there must be feelings between you. If a couple doesn't work together, love won't last long.

**"Our relationship has been cooling down over the years"**

— The main reason we decided to divorce was that our relationship has been cooling down over the years. A child is a blessing in a family that keeps a couple's relationship together. But I've also seen people who have children and are on the verge of divorce.

There were also situations when we, as a couple, cooled down from each other. We started living like neighbors. Before, I wouldn't understand if they said that a couple lives like neighbors. But unfortunately, there are people who live like that today. That is, the relationship has completely faded, and they only act as a couple in the eyes of people.

**"My parents' divorce has been a painful point for me"**

— My parents' divorce, when I was six years old, has been a painful point for me for years. That's why before I got married, I always had the intention of marrying a man who loved children. "He should love my future children first, not me," I would say. When I told Ayam this, she scolded me, saying, "Don't say that, let him love you first, and then the children you have given birth to." At that time, I didn't know what the meaning behind this statement was. As adults say, you need to make the intention correctly and completely. I didn't know how to make the right intention, in fact, a lot depended on me. I started a family with my ex-husband with the same intention. He also loved children very much. But I couldn't give birth to a child for that man.

**"We haven't had a single test in eleven years that we haven't had checked"**

— I know for myself what days I've been through in all those years. We went through all sorts of tests. The last time we had a very thorough check-up, the conclusion was that we were not compatible from a medical point of view. The doctor said that this was also possible, but did not give a specific solution.

**“A man can get married whenever he wants”**

— After that, I started thinking even more about how I was getting older and that I should get a divorce. Adults had already drilled this into my head. A man can marry an 18-year-old girl whenever he wants and have children. The older women around me, at my workplace, would say: “A woman’s reproductive age is limited, you should have children.” I should have taken this step sooner, not after 11 years.

I continued to live together and hope for so long to protect myself from the words “her parents divorced, and now her daughter is getting divorced too.” But resentment comes from both sides. If I try and there is no action from the other side, or if they try and I have already cooled off, there will never be a family. That's why I decided to divorce, it was my personal decision.

**"Tomorrow everyone will go on with their own lives"**

— One morning I woke up and told my ex-husband that we would file for divorce. The reason was that I put all my family members on one side and my future on the other. Tomorrow I would be left alone. My brother lives with his family and children, my younger brother lives with his family, and my mother lives with her own life. But what will I do? Will I be left alone tomorrow, childless and alone? I thought. I think it was only the desire to have children that led me to divorce.

**“Even a child could not save the relationship”**

— When we had been married for nine years, their relatives offered to give us a baby. At that time, we agreed, saying: “So, God wants to save our family through this,” and we had the baby. On the one hand, I was very happy about this, but on the other hand, I realized that I was being entrusted with a very responsible task. The child was brought straight from the maternity hospital and I fell in love with him. I saw him as my own child and posted his pictures on Instagram. Since I was the woman who was always in the frame, there were many questions, but I did not answer any of them.

However, even a child could not save our family. We both loved him, but we forgot about each other.

Here I realized that I had made another mistake in my intentions. Previously, when I saw mothers on the street pushing strollers and dressed in sportswear, I dreamed: "God willing, if I have a child, I will walk like that, I will go on maternity leave from work." But I did not imagine getting pregnant. We need to teach our daughters to have the right intention. Because I myself, just as I imagined, walked with a child in sportswear, but I did not experience the pregnancy period and its emotions. After the final conclusion of the doctors, my last hope was gone, and I did not even see the child, says Kunduzkhon Abdullayeva.